I had a dream about Dragon the other night, but it was different from any other dreams I’ve had of him.  First of all, I have not had many dreams of Dragon.  In the year since it happened, I’ve had maybe eight.  I have only seen my son in dreams eight times this whole past year.  That is less than once a month, when I want to see him Every Day.  It’s not enough.  I’ve asked for more.  Someone up there is being very stingy with letting me see my son.  But, as I’ve learned, I am not in charge.

In all the other dreams I’ve had, Dragon has been either happy or peaceful.  Like one time, he was on horseback.  We were on vacation, at a ranch. He saw me and waved, a big smile on his face.  I don’t remember any dreams where he was anything other than happy or peaceful, and I have chosen to take this as a sign that he’s in a good place.

This time, my dream Dragon was more like the real life Dragon.  We were waiting for Dragon and his friends to return.  They had gone somewhere in my car.  They got back just in time for us to take our golden retriever, Koda, to a dog show.  This is how dreams work – somehow, you have entered your dog into a dog show! We watched Koda parade by in a line of canine companions.  That’s when I spied Dragon.  I ran up to him and hugged him, so happy to see him.  I asked when they got back, and asked him for my car keys.  His friends still had them. “Please text your friends so you can get my keys,”
I requested.

A while later, I found Dragon sitting at a cafeteria table, punching buttons on his phone.  “Hey buddy,”
I said to him. “Got my car keys yet?”

He looked up with all the surliness of a teenager. “Mom,” he snapped, “what’s your problem?!”

I took his fighting words and countered with my own. “My problem?  I’m not the one with the problem.  If you don’t get my keys back soon, you… you… you are going to lose your allowance!”  I stomped off, angry at being blown off and insulted by my grumpy teenager.  I suddenly remembered that feeling of being mad at Dragon, feeling angry and impotent at being unable to control his sullenness.  That feeling had come up more and more this last year, as Dragon moved solidly into becoming a teenager.

Then, before I could see what happened next, the alarm rang, and I woke up.  I smiled to myself, remembering Dragon’s grumpiness in the dream, happy to be engaging with him in such a normal way.

I miss every aspect of being with my son.