Extra Hard

Today is the last day of school.  Dragon missed the entire year.  Dragon missed a whole year of learning, of experiences, of frustrations and having fun.  He missed Spanish 2 and Physics and the annual Dodgeball tournament and getting his driver’s permit and the beginnings of the Sweet 16 birthday parties.

At church one day a couple months ago, Pastor Taka Iguchi asked, “What is it that you need to surrender?  What is it that is causing you pain that you need to leave behind?”  I knew immediately what I needed to surrender.  I needed to let go of all the hopes and dreams I had for Dragon.  I needed to let go of him hitting those milestones like starting to drive or starting college.  Or getting married.  Or having a baby.  He isn’t going to get to experience those things, not here with us, not here on Earth. And we’re not going to get to experience those things with him.  All my hopes and dreams for him were breaking my heart, adding to the overwhelming pain of his being gone.  My heartbreak over all that he won’t get to do was dragging me down, was threatening to drag me under.So I laid it down.  I gave my hopes and dreams for Dragon over to God, to someone who can handle them, because I can’t.  I let go of the anchor that was keeping me underwater with my grief.  I try to see the Facebook and Instagram posts of his friends hitting all those milestones and truly be happy for them.  And I am.  But today, on the last day of school, it’s hitting me hard that he’s missed this whole year of school.  He wasn’t there that first day, and he won’t be there today for the last.  I try to lay my shattered dreams down, but on days like this, it’s extra hard.

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